30 August 2012

misadventures in the blogosphere.

So. Do you ever click that link on the top of the page that says 'next blog'? And before you get all defensive: No, I'm certainly not accusing you of being unfaithful to my blog and wandering off to bone the first slutty, hepatitis-infected blog that gives you the time of day—because I'm sure your conscience will prosecute your sins well enough without any help from me—but I am wondering if your curiosity has ever taken you on a bus tour of the blogosphere... Because—let me tell you—it ain't pretty.


From my own (admittedly unscientific) observations, I'm venturing the hypothesis that blogs—or, at least, blogs on Google's Blogger—are disproportionately authored by housewives, religious nuts, and crafters. (As you might well imagine, these categories are not mutually exclusive. I suspect there are many a mother of six knitting a pair of foot-warmers for Pat Robertson right about now.) Please understand that this is in no way, shape, or form an attempt to mock or belittle housewives, who have chosen an admirable course for their lives (or at least a course no worse than being an insurance salesperson or a DMV employee). Please understand also that this is absolutely an attempt to mock and belittle religious nuts and crafters. (I just can't help myself. When I see the broad side of a barn, I aim for it, baby.)


What's most depressing about the blogosphere is how many abandoned blogs there are drifting through cyberspace, like shrapnel from some outmoded satellite. If you look at the final post on the blogs—from, say, March 2010—there is often no indication that the author's enthusiasm or commitment has waned. In many cases, it's just a typical blog post—that is to say, boring, narcissistic, and bible thumping—offering no clue that the blog is undergoing, right before our eyes, its death throes. There's something sad and unsatisfying about that, I think. I have always been a big fan of closure, and when the author doesn't supply it for me, my doomsaying mind tends to fill in the blanks with all sorts of human tragedies that might possibly keep a blogger from his or her duties. Maybe Delores, who regularly and enthusiastically posted pictures of her garden April through June, had her face burnt off by Roman candle on the 4th of July. Or maybe Kathy, who was so eager for us to follow her newborn baby's progress, stabbed herself with a fireplace poker as a result of postpartum depression and bled to death before her husband discovered her body in the upstairs bonus room. I mean, she was so damned excited about showing us photos of the baby's first semi-solid bowel movement... What else could have happened—except tragedy?


The main problem with (let's say) 90 to 95% of blogs is that the authors have nothing to say. Now you might think that I'm suggesting a blogger must choose his or her topics wisely because certain topics are unsuitable for a blog hoping to hold a reader. This isn't the case—because I firmly believe that any topic is appropriate for a blog post. Let me repeat that: Any. Topic. Pap smears, boll weevils, salad tongs, Esperanto, shoe insoles, tree sap, interpretive dance. Anything... so long as as the author really has something s/he wants to say about it and the passion to say it. I have a hunch that a great many blog posts start out with the blogger sitting in front of a blank screen, staring out the window, and thinking, 'What the hell should I write about this time?' If you have to ask yourself that, then you probably shouldn't write at all. Nobody wants to read your chore or your assignment, so if that's all you're bringing to the table... sorry, but I've got internet porn to masturbate to and, frankly, not enough time in the day to do it in.


Look. I'm not saying that you can't do whatever the hell you want. It's your life, and if you want to waste it posting pictures of your ugly children or telling us about your new embroidery class at the senior center, that's perfectly okay with me. But while you're doing all that, why not also tell us something that might hypothetically interest at least one sentient being on this planet. I'm not saying that all your blog posts are going to be able to compete with the video There's a Negro in My Mother! at smutnetwork.com—probably none of them will—but there are, theoretically speaking, a lot of insomniac shut-ins who sit in front of their computers all night in their stained underwear... Why don't we give those housebound losers something they could conceivably read in between flame wars on youtube?


I know what you're probably thinking: 'Who does this jerk think he is? He has a measly sixteen followers [as of this post], his so-called interesting posts consist of pictures of Leonid Brezhnev's (admittedly enticing) hooters, and he's telling us how to run our blog? You bet your ass I'm going to post retarded Bible passages about people turning into salt and pictures of my malformed children just to piss this fucker off!' 


Well, as the good Lord (or Bobby Brown—one or the other) has taught us, that is indeed your prerogative. But I guarantee your blog will be abandoned in two months' time, like a dead hooker's body under a viaduct, and one day I'll click 'next blog' and discover your passionless posts about organic beet farming or your battles with psoriasis, and I'll think to myself in a dramatic voice—maybe Alan Rickman's—'Why won't they listen? Why... won't they listen...?'

12 comments:

  1. When I clicked "next blog," which I surmise will take me to an example of an average blog representing the blogosphere-at-large, I learn that Joel went to the mall to buy something. I wish I could tell you what happened next but I fell asleep.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Also, thanks for fixing the robot word thing. I no longer have to prove myself to post myself.

      Delete
    2. See? That's what most blogs are. Now I don't care if you are related to or friends of Joel or not, this information is not interesting. (I'm guessing Joel wasn't even interested in being at the mall.)

      I'm still not convinced you're not a robot, but I'm learning to be more trusting—one day at a time.

      Delete
  2. I went to a couple 'next blogs,' and you weren't kidding. I saw a photo-a-day blog that had a photo from 10/4/2011 and 11/4/2011. She must have meant photo-a-month-and-then-skip-a-year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know. It's motherfuckin' BLEAK out there.

      Delete
  3. hahaha http://zumbagirls.blogspot.com/?expref=next-blog

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YEAH YEAH YEAH LET'S ZUMBA OUR WAY THROUGH THE NEW YEAR ! ! ! C'MON EVERYBODY LET'S GET ENERGIZED ! ! !

      [never heard from again]

      Delete
    2. did you see the amazing picture on the left of the two bloggers?

      Delete
  4. You really only have fifteen followers. I'm following you twice, for some reason.

    Poor Delores...

    ReplyDelete
  5. By the way, whose ass is that on flubjub?

    ReplyDelete