24 September 2012

beelzebukkake.

7. Prince of Darkness (1987)

When you assign yourself the task of watching as many horror films as possible, you have to expect that you're going to end up watching a lot of shit. After all, the horror film assembly line has never been known for its persnickety quality control. Practically anybody who can scrounge up some fake blood, a little atmospheric synthesizer music, and a few non-professional actresses willing to take their tops off is qualified to make a horror film by the prevailing industry standards. (Just troll through the Netflix horror selections some time if you don't believe me.) While we tend to be a little more forgiving of the amateur schmuck who—armed only with a hand-me-down video camera and a dream—tries his hand at movie-making, it's a little more difficult to wrap our minds around a complete turdburger of a movie when the director has shown he's capable of much better work.

Okay, I'm not saying John Carpenter is Stanley Kubrick or anything. I really haven't even watched many of his films made after 1980s—mainly because of the warnings I've received against them—but Halloween and The Thing are truly genre masterworks. (And despite my better judgment, I have to admit I also love The Fog and They Live.) So, as you can clearly see, we have sufficient evidence that John Carpenter is indeed capable of making a movie that isn't the evocation of drooling, finger-sniffing mental retardation...

And yet he directed Prince of Darkness. How exactly are we supposed to reconcile Carpenter's prior accomplishments with this story about a canister of swirling green fluid that sprays itself, bukkake-like, onto the faces of female grad students in order to prepare the way for coming of Satan? And the horrifying culmination of all this ominous music and apocalyptic foreboding ends up being this:



Yep, that's right. The Son of Satan manifests himself as a woman with damaged '80s hair in a Lands End henley shirt—who really, really needs to see a dermatologist. (Is anyone else having Pizza the Hutt flashbacks right about now?)  Yeah, I'll admit she's a little gross-looking—by the way, this is what happens when you pick your zits, kiddies—but my only genuine fear is that she might sit on my light-colored upholstery. (Doesn't it look like she's posing for a class photo? She's really gonna give the air-brusher a workout on this one.)

For some unknown reason, Satan has to jump through a bunch of procedural hoops before he can launch his comeback tour. (Apparently the metaphysical realm is over-regulated.) First, the woman pictured above has to bump her arm on a large piece of machinery, thus bruising her bicep. This bruise will gradually transform itself into some kind of ancient satanic symbol, marking her as the Prince of Darkness's chosen human vessel. Next, while the demonic host is simmering on the stove, a couple of young women will have their money shots with the canister of green fluid:



Oooooh, yeah, baby. You like that? You like that? Oh, yeah, baby, show me how much you like it. 

Evidently Satan's spunk is so delicious and nutritious that it turns women into his zombie slaves. (I can totally relate, Satan.) So the two of them schlep the canister up from the basement into the human host's bedroom, where the canister, for lack of anything better to do, starts dripping green fluid UPWARD onto the ceiling. (Did you hear me? It's dripping upward! Isn't that fucking terrifying?) Once the fluid has emptied onto the ceiling, it suddenly gushes down into the host's orifices—and that's when she turns into Freddy Krueger's kid sister. In between moaning and cackling—her two main hobbies, it seems—she makes her way to a large, conveniently-placed mirror through which she must pull Satan into this world before Donald Pleasence throws an ax at it, shattering it to bits. 

Maybe I just don't appreciate the pageantry of satanic tradition, but this sounds like an awful lot of legwork to accomplish what the Republican party has been doing for two decades—and with much less mess, I might add. 

10 comments:

  1. Liquid Satan! This almost sounds more comical than scary. Which reminds me of yet another movie that I will go ahead and mention. Although this is not a valid "you need to see this" recommendation (as Wicker Man most curely is); it is more of a—hey I saw this once and I was like, WTF?, so I thought I'd share—kind of mention/recommendation.

    http://mubi.com/films/teeth

    It is, I kid you not, about vagina dentata.

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    1. curely = surely. WHERE IS MY EDIT BUTTON?

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    2. Michelle M. loves that movie, as I recall.

      This movie IS very comical. Bird Brian said it creeped him out... I hope he was talking about some other movie called Prince of Darkness...

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    3. Teeth is a fantastic movie.

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  2. No I was talking about this one. You're pretty much right in everything you say, but I was still creeped out. That's how I roll with horror movies though, creepy gets me more than scary. This movie is like sitting alone in a giant unfamiliar empty house. You can't point to any one thing that is actually scary (in the sense of, say, being chased by an ax-wielding maniac), but the overall effect is distubing. Unsettling. You forgot to metion all the mysterious messages sent from the future. They weren't scary either, but you forgot to metion them.

    Also, the Asian chick in this film was hot.

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    1. You know how you usually get a token Asian? There were THREE (count 'em: THREE!) Asians in this movie. (It's probably because most of the characters were grad students...)

      The only thing I found disturbing and unsettling about Prince of Darkness is the fact it was ever made—although I must confess I got a few laughs from it.

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    2. Did this thing really come out in 1987? I saw it in the theater. I remember it creeped me out at the time, but I guess it doesn't hold up in the long term.

      I concur with this:

      You can't point to any one thing that is actually scary (in the sense of, say, being chased by an ax-wielding maniac), but the overall effect is disturbing.

      I felt the same way about Event Horizon. That one disturbed me for days after I saw it.

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    3. I think both of you need to re-see this and tell me if you still think it's 'creepy.'

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  3. they live! i love they live! and the fog, and the thing, and halloween. plus big trouble in little china (though his "rawkin'" end theme makes me want to shoot somebody. :)

    the first time i saw the thing i was so worried about the dog i couldn't finish watching the movie. halloween i saw only once and i'm still scared. :)

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    1. The Thing is such a nerve-racking film! It keys you up the whole time and won't let you go!

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