This is the man. This is the man who is reading my blog—but only hypothetically, you understand—only as an ideation to be pleased (or not-pleased)5. It goes without saying (so why do I say it?) that he finds all these blog posts thus far extremely distasteful, puerile, imbecilic, and unpleasantly formatted. (He is especially incensed by the modernist lower-case font I use for blog headings. 'How about Blackmoor LET?' he sniffs, as his monocle falls to his chest.)
1 This device—this revelation, as it were—is used to generate interest. You, the Hypothetical Reader, are easing into another post, presumably about something idiotic, and there it is—suddenly—an earnest, or seeming-earnest, revelation. A baring of the soul. You were expecting more masturbation jokes, and here I am: giving a little piece of myself to you.
2 And then I undercut it. You were busy adjusting your expectations for a life-affirming story, and then I go and clothesline you. I don't actually mean gambling-gambling. There will be no traditional rock-bottom, where I'm, like, making snow-angels in a pool of my own vomit on the floor of one of the seedy downtown Las Vegas casinos.
3 Navy blue is the color of cultural conservatism. Now understand that when I say 'cultural conservatism' I mean this as distinct from (American) political conservatism, although the former may or may not be a subset of the latter. I also want to add that being the color of cultural conservatism is NOT navy blue's fault. It had no choice in the matter and is a pleasing color otherwise.
4 I'm beginning to realize that the adjective 'vintage' was probably unnecessary here, but I am going to retain it as an act of rebellion. I won't be oppressed by necessity.
5 When you write—if you write—do you have an image of someone very particular you are trying to please—or are you more of a radio transmission, being broadcast to god-knows-whom (maybe nobody at all)? The radio broadcast scenario is too depressing and demoralizing, I find. I need to see the face of my audience, even if it ends up being Captain Peacock's from Are You Being Served?
6 In the future—that is to say, in subsequent blog entries—I intend to use the phrase 'Hypothetical Reader' again. I will trust that you will commit my sense of the phrase to memory so that you know what the fuck I'm talking about.
7 I mean absolutely no offense to deranged shut-ins. Who would be posting all those racist comments on youtube videos, if not for you? Everyone serves a purpose in this world. Even if your purpose is a completely shitty one, who am I to judge? (I want to discuss this phrase ['Who am I to judge?'] in the future. Please remind me.)