Dear Barbara Ann, Barbara, Louise, Tamara, Loqueesha, & Chuck:
Let me preface this by saying that it's been fantastic, relatively speaking, working with all of you, but I decided to kill myself last night after you all left. I hope that whatever mess you will find in my office can be remedied with a little Mop N Glo, but if not I'd advise googling "stain removal" and/or "tough stain removal" and seeing what this yields. All of the files pertaining to the Ramsey account are in my desk, right-side, bottom-drawer. I also wanted to say that for the past five years I've been stealing paper towels, toilet paper, and pens from the office. That has been weighing on me for some time. You're free to charge my estate a reasonable estimate of these charges, whatever that might be. I also want everyone to know that my life has been a complete and total lie--although I'm hesistant to spell out the nature of said lie because what if I don't die somehow and they take me to the hospital and revive me? Then you'll know my lie and I'll still be alive, and then of course I'll have to kill you. Haha. Just kidding. But anyway, right... Complete and total lie. Just chew on that for a while.
I hate you. Enjoy my splattered brains all over your fucking brand new offwhite couch. Please cancel our reservations for the Caribbean cruise before July 1st to get a partial refund. I don't want those fuckers getting my money. Or I guess you can just take whoever you're fucking by then. Or whatever. You're one sick bitch, by the way. I finally realized that thing you had wasn't psoriasis.
To Whom It May Concern:
Ha. That's a laugh. As if my death concerns anyone, as if anyone gives a good shit. They'll probably only bother to notice anything when I start stinking up the place. By then they'll have all forgotten who I was and won't be able to tell anymore because I'll be all rotten and shit. I guess that's why I'm leaving this stupid note. It's just that when someone finally gets around to finding my maggoty old body, I want them to know who it was that fed those maggots. Me. Ricky Limbeck. Yeah, I was that creepy guy all of you assholes never bothered to talk to. I saw you when I was downstairs getting my mail, but did any one of you ever bother to say hello or how are you? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Get real! Why waste the energy on me? Maybe you can't tell now, but before the maggots started eating me, I was a fat slob. A fat, bald slob with no friends and a dead-end job working for the highway department. I have never had sex with a woman in my life. And before you get all snide about it, I haven't had sex with a man or even an animal either. A wild boar would've probably even barfed at the thought of getting poked by me. And that wild boar would be right. Damn. I never thought I would have empathy for a wild boar.
So there you go. I finally did it. You didn't believe me all these years, thought I was bluffing. It's not so pretty is it? Have fun explaining to everyone how you ignored the warning signs. I could have had "I'm Gonna Kill Myself" tattooed on my forehead and you would've asked me for the remote and farted. I really hate that I had to go to this length to prove a point, but as you are well aware I'm a principled individual. I believe in personal integrity. Now go get a bucket and scoop my integrity off the floor before it seeps into the basement. I do want you to know that I loved you once, in a theoretical sense. Let that warm your heart as you trudge through the years without me.
Dear Sir(s) and/or Madam(s) and/or Other(s):
It is with great sorrow that the undersigned hereby tenders his/her suicide note, thereby notifying the above-referenced person or persons of the intent by the undersigned, whether acting singly or as a spokesperson for a larger group, to terminate his/her (their) life (lives) without additional notice. Furthermore, the undersigned would like to thank the recipient(s) for the immediate closure of all correspondences with, accounts of, and other exchanges to and/or with the undersigned or to and/or with those entities which the undersigned herewith represents as a legal and binding spokesperson.
The Undersigned (Please Print Legibly):___________________________