24 October 2012

not guilty by reason of astrological phenomenon.

36. Bloody Birthday (1981)

Back to reality... Bloody Birthday isn't just a turd. It's the sacred Turd Deity that all lowly mortal turds kneel down before and worship in their porcelain temples. Quick. Here's a test for your useless information retention: Do you remember these 1980s c-list has-beens? Joe Penny? Michael Dudikoff? Julie Brown? (No, not 'Downtown' Julie Brown—I'm talking about the white one who sang 'The Homecoming Queen's Got a Gun.') Well, they all make brief appearances in this dud—along with José Ferrer, who must have wandered onto the set by mistake. (Dementia is a bitch.) 

Julie Brown's performance is mostly comprised of a scene of her dancing around her bedroom—topless, of course—while a young boy peeks through a hole in the wall...

Then the director was, like, 'Wait. We've still got some more film to burn through. Julie, why don't you take your panties off too?'

I'm pretty sure that scenes like this—along with a few sex scenes—are the real reason the director decided to make the film in the first place. Even he doesn't seem to show much interest in the story—which centers on three ten-year-old kids without consciences who murder people (including one of their own fathers) for kicks. What's the root of this evil, you ask? (You really shouldn't ask...) Well, you see, all three of them were born during an eclipse that blocked the planet Saturn, which controls the human conscience—of course. The movie is mostly just strung-together scenes of these three kids trying their damnedest to look evil while killing people with arrows to the eye, baseball bats, or (most effectively) stolen firearms. We don't know any of these characters or care about them. The murders aren't suspenseful or scary. And the several nude scenes just aren't very well-lighted.


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