31 October 2012

truth, revealed.

48. Halloween (1978)

Yeah. What exactly did you think the culminating film of the Halloween Film Fest would be? Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot? This blog is named for a line in John Carpenter's Halloween, so it should come as a surprise to no one that this is my go-to Halloween film—ever since I was a kid, in fact. It now transcends mere entertainment and has become a seasonal ritual—and if you don't happen to care for this movie, I have a few things I'd like to say to you. First of all, your taste is wrong. Don't give me any of your liberal relativist propaganda about everyone being entitled to an opinion... This is the kind of wrongheaded namby-pamby egalitarianism that starts with a person declaring his favorite jelly bean flavor and ends with Jews being marched into crematoriums in Nazi Germany. And before you start with your rationalist-based arguments that I am wrong here, I want you to remember that if you believe that everyone is entitled to an opinion, then you can't argue with good conscience that I'm not entitled to the opinion that you're not entitled to an opinion. I don't mean to sound totalitarian or anything, but I firmly believe that individuals who have shown themselves unable to form a competent opinion should have all of their opinions vetted by an enlightened council, to be chaired by yours truly. I think the competency of opinion-making will be determined by a standardized test of some kind, and the first question will be about country music. If you profess to enjoy it, you will lose your opinion privileges until your opinion has optimized in a Regional Cognitive Recalibration Center (RCRC).

Another thing I want to say to Halloween detractors is that the film is objectively awesome—which means it's not even subject to opinions. Do you have an 'opinion' that the sky is up? I don't think so. It's just a fact that is true by definition. It's the same way with Halloween. I hate to tell you what they do to people who start denying the basic facts of the natural world... but I will anyway: they either lock them in asylums or they make them become Republicans so that the rest of us can identify them for our own safety. 

And now, a third thing I have to say to these people who have defective opinions and who willfully deny facts: Halloween is a part of me. If you start talking shit about this film, you are talking shit about me personally. The metaphysical border where my individuality ends and the movie Halloween begins doesn't really exist. We have blended together into an inseparable composite of subject and affect. You can't throw stones at a specific aspect of me; a thrown stone that touches my person in any way is an injury against the whole of me. Now I don't want my blog to start writing checks that my fists can't cash, but I dare any of you Halloween haters to step up on me. Bring what you got, bitches. I'll give you a titty-twister that'll have you preaching the Gospel According to Michael Myers like a giant crying baby-man. (You can run and tell that.)

Poor Donald Pleasence! As Dr. Loomis, he's the Cassandra of the Halloween saga. He never shuts the fuck up about how evil Michael Myers is. He actually literally refers to him as 'The Evil' in this movie—which most psychiatric journals tend to frown on, incidentally. He goes into that empty boardroom with the orange chairs and tells those two guys in labcoats that Michael should be kept locked up forever (because of his aforementioned evilness), but they're all, like, making cuckoo clock noises behind his back and stuff. As a consequence, Dr. Loomis actually has to go out on his own and start looking for Michael Myers. That's above and beyond the call of duty, if you ask me. I couldn't even get my therapist to answer my phone calls, let alone search the dark streets of Haddonfield for me. 

When I was young, I was always a little bored by Dr. Loomis's scenes, but now that I am older and more mature, I think I understand his plight a little better. His is the Sisyphean task of speaking the truth to those who either don't want to accept it or are unequipped to understand it. I feel this way all the time when I'm spouting off truth hither and thither and everyone's, like, 'Life isn't as bad as you always say it is, David! Why are you such a pessimist?' Well, trust me—one day (and it's not far off) when this world finally devolves into violent anarchy because too many Mary Poppins types were complacent about humanity's wretchedness, these same naysayers will be pounding on my door, crying out, 'Why didn't you warn us? Why didn't you warn us?' But I will be deaf to their protests... because I'll be locked in my underground panic room.


  1. I LOVE THIS BLOG! It's entries like this which reveal your true inner David. I just want to hug you.

    I don't love this movie, though. I have my reasons but I also know that feeling of 'owning' a movie and having it be a part of you. I'm like that with Stand by Me, but for probably very different reasons. =)

    1. Thanks, Morais. (And I want to pinch your cheeks.)

      I've never seen Stand by Me. Can you believe it?

    2. It's probably a good thing because if you see it and hate it, we can no longer be friends.


      (Also, on the facebooks I mentioned that I noticed the 'obscene chewing' line. I've seen this movie quite a few times but your blog title never rang a bell with me. I only picked up on it during my most recent viewing at which time I was already familiar with your blog title—it was only then that the line popped out at me. How fascinating...of all the brief barely-noticeable lines in all the films in all the world, and this is where it comes from!)

    3. I always loved that line: 'Now you're hearing obscene chewing!' It's a ridiculously-phrased accusation of paranoia against Laurie when in fact she IS being stalked by a deranged killer.

      I have a propensity for getting attached to lines in movies that other people don't even notice.

    4. Haha, like "fifty bucks, grandpa...for seventy-five the wife can watch"? =)

    5. Exactly. There are LOTS of lines from Pretty Woman like that—because it was playing when I worked at the movie theater and I saw parts of it sooo many times.

      'REG BEV WIL'
      'I don't think we have anything for you. Please leave.'
      'The bathroom's bigger than the Blue Banana.'
      'Does this wig make me look like Carol Channing?'
      etc. etc. etc.

    6. Well color me happy, there's a sofa in here for two! (First time...in an elevator.)

      This ain't a buffet, Kit.

      Honey, I've a runner in my pantyhose...I'm not wearing pantyhose.

      Well I'm old, so go rest up by Monty Hall or Esther Wilson (er, Williams)--Esther WILLIAMS where you belong!

      This car takes corners like it's on rails.

      Beverly Hills is DOWN the hill!

    7. etc., etc. =)

    8. OMFG. We're kindred souls!

      It's part of the Edward Louis scholarship fund. We think you got a lot of potential, Kit DeLuca.

      She rescues him right back.

      Well, that's one I've never been on before.

      Who ordered pizza?!

      You work on commission, right? Big mistake. Huge.

      Watch out for the steaming divot!

      I think you left your transmission back there.

      She said she liked it better than Pirates of Penzance.

      Call me when you're through. Take care of you.

      etc. etc.

    9. "He's not really my uncle." "They never are, dear."

      Haha this has to stop. I hope to god no one else finds out my dirty little secret that I know every line of that stupid movie. :P Kindred spirits indeed!

  2. Great review, David/the film Halloween! You (guys) really nailed it.

    Is this the film where Dr. Loomis shoots Michael Myers? This strikes me as some sort of violation of the doctor-patient relationship. In fact, I'm pretty sure Michael Myers could sue him for this, but for the fact that he probably isn't legally competent to bring suit... but his legal guardian probably could... which raises an interesting point: who is Michael Myers' legal guardian in this film.

    Also, does anybody else think Jamie Lee Curtis looks like Diedrich Bader in this movie?

    1. Yes, Dr. Loomis shoots Michael Myers multiple times in the first one. In the second one, he burns Michael Myers alive. Admittedly, it's a very progressive therapy, but Dr. Loomis gets results.

      You know what's really disturbing? People who think Jamie Lee Curtis is sexy—at any stage in her career.

  3. I agree about Jamie Lee Curtis.