28 October 2012

rikki-tikki-tavi killed my lover!

42. SSSSSSS (1973)

Ssssssshit. That's what this movie is. But if you actually decide to watch a film in which a crazy old herpetologist tries to turn Dirk Benedict into a snake... well, then... I guess you deserve whatever you get. You have to know what you're getting yourself into, so I don't want to hear one bit of grousing when Dirk turns green and scaly and then incrementally morphs into a rubber replica of a king cobra. After all, this is what you wanted, isn't it? Bad special effects? Moronic plot? Oh—and this is the woman who will be serving as your designated romantic interest...

She's a little Doug Henning-ish for my taste, but to each, his own. In case you're wondering what she's screaming about in that photo above—she's actually watching her boyfriend being attacked by a mongoose. No, I'm not joking. I'm as serious as the grave right now when I tell you that the man who once lovingly inserted his penis into her vagina was transformed into a snake and then ripped apart by an agitated mongoose—as she stood by and watched. (And you thought all your relationships ended badly... You just try to collect on the life insurance policy in a case like this. I dare you.)

So, yeah. This movie is astoundingly retarded. It starts out as the crazy snake expert is handing over his previous (unsuccessful) man-to-snake experiment victim to a circus side show. Of course, he feels that he's learned from his mistakes and wants to try again, so he seeks out a new 'assistant' (i.e., dupe) and Dirk Benedict seems to fit that bill nicely. Dirk's just clueless enough not to find it strange that old guy carries on lengthy conversations with his boa constrictor and gives it booze to drink. Told that it's just antivenin, Dirk starts getting injections that will eventually turn him into a cobra—although I myself think they're just giving him LSD —and then he falls in love with John Denver—er, I mean, the scientist's daughter, pictured above...

If there's a moral to be found in any of this—and trust me: there is not—it's that you should never, ever take a job when the last guy who filled the position ended up looking like this:


  1. I have to wonder whether Mr. Benedict lists this one on his resume. On one hand, it looks like a piece of shit, on the other hand, maybe it will distract from his years on "The A-Team" and (the corny 70's) "Battlestar Galactica".

    1. Battlestar Galactica was wonderful! (Or so says my eight-year-old self.)

  2. Thissss ssssssounds horrible.

    (I used to love Battlestar Galactica.)